Learning to say "goodbye"

Yesterday I got the call . . . the couple we've been in countering wars with accepted our offer and my house opened for escrow. Because the house has been sitting empty for the last four months, doing nothing but draining my savings account, a sense of joy, relief and celebration came over me. But today I'm feeling extremely sad and confused.

It was my first house. In some small way it represents a part of my past that has been slowly fading away over the last 2 1/2 years . . a part of me that I (however silly it sounds) fear will eventually be lost forever. It represents Jana Shugart; days as a single individual striving to find herself and her dreams. It represents all of the horribly difficult times I spent studying, working, and teaching . . . it represents the pay-off - the good of what came from perservering and finishing what I started (even when I absolutely hated what I was doing and where I was). It represents great times with friends . . . laughing, crying, and figuring out life together. It represents my hometown - however much I thought I hated it while I was there and couldn't wait to get out - it represents family, familiarity, and love. It was my first great accomplishment and investment - it was my first achievement and as an "independent adult."

And here I am, in another place, with another name . . . sitting 2000+ miles away, learning to say goodbye - forcing my self to let it go. It's a decision I made. I CHOSE to sell the house. So why does it feel like it's being ripped away? Perhaps it's because I feel like it's my final connection to Home. Saying goodbye to my house feels too much like having to say a final farewell to Home . . to a huge Family that I've leaned on and clung to for so long . . a Family I love oh so much . . a Family to which I fear I will never again return.

Don't get me wrong. I'm extremely excited about the possibilities of finding and purchasing a home here, settling down with my husband and continuing the journey we've already begun!

I just never imagined it would be so difficult to say goodbye . . .